I often feel that most letters to Dear Abby and other advice columnists can be summed up thusly:
There is this thing I need to do or say, because I’m suffering per the behavior of someone else, but I don’t want to address it because it’s going to make me uncomfortable to say or do what I need to say or do, it’s going to make other people uncomfortable, and the people I’m speaking about/to may end up not liking me, have their feelings hurt, etc. So how can I do or say this thing that I really need to do in such a way that no one will be angry, I won’t be uncomfortable, everyone will listen, all is well afterwards with no resentment or hostility, and I get the change in behavior I need?
And I realized over the course of the four presentations I did in the last two weeks that most questions asked by managers of volunteers can be summed up thusly as well.
Two of my most popular blogs are about how managers of volunteers are under pressure to always please volunteers and The volunteer as bully = the toxic volunteer. Both of these blogs reflect the aversion of managers of volunteers to conflict, complaints and uncomfortable conversations.
This aversion comes from a misplaced notion that managers of volunteers must be:
- always nice
- never confrontational
- always welcoming of all volunteers no matter what those volunteers might say or how they may act
- make everyone happy at all times
How do we change that expectation of managers of volunteers – both from others and by ourselves?
Also see this oh-so-popular blog, the Volunteer Manager Fight Club.
As with so many things, I think the sentiment to have some characteristics as a manager of volunteers makes sense, but that those values should shift.
Rather than being nice (which I think is really just a side effect of it being a predominantly female profession), what a about a shift to “be respectful.” I’d rather that someone respected me than thought I was nice.
Never confrontational —-> Communicates professionally. You can raise a concern with someone without them needing to feel confronted.
Always welcoming —-> Inclusive. There should be, in my opinion, an effort made to be inclusive of anyone that feels a connection to your organization. Sometimes it still won’t work out, but being open minded and creative can create a really amazing community of people with diverse skills and backgrounds. I also think that putting valiant effort in to be inclusive sets a great precedent for others you work with in the organization.
Make everyone happy —> Allow everyone to be heard. No one is happy all the time. I’m not happy plenty of times. If you want me to get back on the happy path, let’s go out for a beer/coffee and let me explain why I’m irate. Next time, when it’s your turn to be unhappy, beer/coffee is on me.
It’s the subtle shifts that change the culture we work in. I’m all about seeing a new and exciting wave of people in all fields that are respectful, professional, inclusive, and willing to listen. I don’t care what you do – follow those rules and you’ll probably be on a path toward being a pretty awesome person, and there’s always room to improve!
/Soapbox.
Have you seem this related blog at http://volunteerplaintalk.wordpress.com/2013/10/16/doing-the-hard-stuff-because-im-clearly-it/
It’s not about quite the same thing but dealing with issues seems to be a topic that’s on a few people’s minds at the moment.
I have indeed – and tweeted about it last week!