If you share 20 cm or more DNA with me, and you are on Ancestry.com, I probably know how we're related, in terms of which 3rd great grandparent(s) we share, even if you don't have that ancestor in your tree.

When it comes to biology, each person has eight great grandparents. During the big COVID lockdown of 2020, I spent weeks and weeks meticulously color-coded my DNA matches based on which great grandparent the DNA match was related to. I started with color coding matches I knew, for sure, how they were related to me. After several weeks of this, I could figure out how people that I shared a lot of DNA with, but whom I did not know, were related to me, at least in terms of which of my great grandparents' family lines we shared. And then Ancestry launched its "pro" service, which helped me identify DNA matches even further (but remember: always confirm info from DNA trees with Census data, marriage indices, birth certificates, etc. - SO many people's family trees are wrong).

I was hoping doing this would help me to be able to identify more people in my family tree, further back into my tree - and, indeed, it did!

When I did it back in 2020, you didn't have to pay extra to see how your DNA matches were related to each other, but now you do, but I high recommend doing it - doing it for even just one month will reveal SO MUCH. Start with people that you share over 100 cm with. Once you get them done - and be sure to double and triple check your work, make sure it's accurate - then move to everyone 50 cm and above. And once you have those done, them move to everyone 30 and above. And some people are going to get more than one color because they are going to be related to you via more than one line.

As you go along, fill out more of your family tree, correct mistakes, etc.

This is what I did, starting during COVID and then on and off, for a month or two, every year since, even down to people with 20 cm or more with me.

What all this means is that, if you share 20 cm or more with me, I probably know how we're related, in terms of which 3rd great grandparent(s) we share, even if you don't have that ancestor in your tree.

HOWEVER... there is another issue: some of those matches, when YOU don't know how we're related, are the result of liaisons outside of marriage in the 1800s or 1900s. In such cases, almost always, I have found the city or county where that person's ancestor and my ancestor lived in at the same time, confirming what the DNA is hinting at. 

I'm not going to contact you when I realize we share an ancestor that you don't have in your tree except under very particular circumstances - like when you make it clear in your bio that that's what you are looking for.

But if you see that we're related via a DNA match of 20 and above and you really don't know how, but you want to know, write me - I will be happy to answer your questions. Just be ready for ancestral surprises.

My philosophy regarding uncomfortable discoveries on Ancestry:

Each person has a right to decide if and when to process anything in his or her life. Whether that person accepts something that happened in his or her life, celebrate something, constantly mourn something or ignore it is up to that person.

At the same time, children of that person, and others, are not wrong for wanting answers about something that happened in a loved ones past, especially when that loved one is a parent, a grandparent, or other ancestor.

Some are never bothered by obscured or unknown origins. Others say they have  always suffered from an uneasy sense that they’re different somehow, or that they are missing something in their lives, something missing that they say they feel in their bodies. Some people experience joy and a feeling of new connection once they meet siblings, cousins or other relatives they never knew they had. Some don't feel anything. And some feel angry because the discovery comes with learning something they didn't want to know, such as something that they feel reflects poorly on the character of an ancestor, especially a beloved parent, grandparent, sibling, etc.

I have all of this in mind when I make a discovery on Ancestry that relates to a child being born out of wedlock, or a child that's a descendent of one of my ancestors but I'm pretty sure they don't know that. My philosophy MOST of the time is to not reach out. I did in one case because I knew, based on the wording the DNA match used in the family tree she shared, that she was looking for answers. And I did in another case because I didn't realize she wasn't "acknowledged" - I just thought I didn't know her. I'm much more careful now, and I wait to see if the person I've made the discover about contacts me. And when such a person contacts me, I try to balance their right to know their own DNA with the privacy of anyone involved who might be made uncomfortable.

Some children believe that they have a right to know their family’s biological medical history because that is theirs and affects their lives now, especially with the advent of precision medicine. And so, if someone contacts me not knowing the name of a parent or grandparent, and I know, I am, in every circumstance, telling them. I believe that everyone has a right to know what DNA is flowing through their bodies. HOWEVER, I do not believe I have a right to know the circumstances that have led to an ancestor or relative giving up a child for adoption, or what the circumstances were that an ancestor or relative had a child during their marriage to someone that was not the ancestors spouse. I can be curious about such. I can look for clues about such discoveries. I can even ask questions of others. But I must always remember that I do not have the right.

If a relative of mine doesn't want to face a newly-discovered truth that they have adult biological children, or grandchildren, or siblings, or cousins, I don't intend to force them to, especially if my relative isn't someone I'm close to: I'm not going to spill the beans at the next family gathering. That's up to you to do. BUT I am also not going to cut that person off if they are a DNA match and want to talk. Whether or not I decide they are my family is up to me.  

An advice columnist was asked what to do about a person who was contacted by someone who had done a DNA test and found out that they were closely related, but this new relative didn't understand how. The writer figured out that this new relative was the child of the writer's grandmother. The grandmother had never told anyone about this child, and was horrified and angry that her secret was now known. But the grandchildren were all curious about this person and they didn't at all feel judgmental of their grandmother. The grandmother wanted them to cut off the newly  discovered relative and never mention any of this again, but the grandchildren didn't want to - but also didn't want to hurt the grandmother.

Here's how the advice columnist answered:

Find balance between your grandmother’s wishes and her child’s. There are a few different ways to do that, but here’s one: You could assure your grandmother that you won’t pressure her to talk to the child or hear any more about her, but you will give the child family medical information and a general understanding of her birth story, including the aspect that might feel most important to her: why she was given up for adoption.

Without mentioning your grandmother’s name or any details that would make it easy for the grown child to track her down, you could say something like, “Your birth mom is one of my relatives. She got pregnant as a teenager and didn’t have the means or support to take care of you. She made the hard choice to give you up for adoption in hopes that you’d have a better life than she could provide. She doesn’t feel comfortable being in contact now, and I feel that I need to respect her wishes and her privacy, but I hope this message brings you at least a little bit of peace.”

You won’t have total control over what your relative does with this information, because internet sleuthing is a force to be reckoned with. And you won’t be able to control whether she feels fully satisfied with what you tell her.

You might choose to meet with the grown child without involving your grandmother. Or you might decide that your notion of kinship isn’t rooted in biology and you don’t feel any particular need to bond with someone new to you.

I really liked this answer.

My ancestry stories:

Family names & my family research priorities.

The tragic death of William L. "Billy" Smith, brother of my great-great grandmother and surrogate father to my great-grandfather, W.A. Beasley.

Trying to find out more about my Beasley family tree (beyond my third great grandparents, in Tennessee, Georgia and South Carolina).

Seeking help to access historical records in Perry County, Alabama, Hale County, Alabama, Polk County, Tennessee and somewhere in Georgia.

Emma Smith: my 2rd great-grandmother, buried in Reed, Kentucky, father was German, mother's origins unknown. 

The Enslavers in My Family. Identifying my ancestors in Kentucky who held enslaved people and trying to identify those enslaved people by name.

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